The Canada Chronicles

You and Maria and her brother and sister took a family road trip to Canada. You only spent one night in this fair land, but you enjoyed yourself thoroughly, if not exclusively for the company you kept.

Your travel companions were Lorelei, Maria’s sister who is 62 years old (long story) and Rory, Maria’s brother who is 31 years old. Maria, as some of you may or may not know is 28, and you are 24 (duh). It seems important to you to note their ages, as some of what was said is made more amusing by these details.

The day actually got off to a rocky start. The front door was wide open and the moment you and Maria entered Lorelei’s apartment you were greeted with stress. Sipping coffee while waiting for things to resolve themselves, you began keeping a journal of the events that took place.

According to your written testimony, the drive up went as follows:

9:00 am- Arrive at Lorelei’s apartment. Lorelei can’t find her purse. Purse includes all money and passports and social security numbers of everyone in the family on a laminated card.

9:15 am- Purse is still missing. We suspect it was left at Salty’s the night before. Plan is to drive to Salty’s in hopes the lost purse was turned in

9:25 am – Maria finds purse on dashboard of car.

9:32 am – Stop for gas and drive to the post office so Rory can mail off scalped Carrie Underwood tickets.

9:40 am – Post office can’t help. Reroute – drive aimlessly around West Seattle looking for a FedEx.

10:15 am – Maria expresses concern that Rory ate a pack of mini donuts, a Nutrageous, a Twix, and a Starbucks frappuccino for breakfast.

10:20 am – Tension is broken by news of Lady Gaga pre-sale

10:30 am – Maria farts in the car. Upsets everyone.

10:45 am- Sad news. Rory can’t access presale password for Lady Gaga tickets on his iPhone

10:50 am – Find FedEx. Mail Carrie Underwood tickets.

10:55 am – Departure delayed as Rory attempts to use the FedEx computers to access the Lady Gaga pre-sale code.

11:05am – “Can we go to Canada now?” you ask. You all are finally on the way.

There wasn’t a whole lot between Washington and the border. About 3 hours and a few rest stops. However, that didn’t stop casual observation of your surroundings. 

“What the hell is up with the paint on the freeway!?” Lorelei exclaimed in regards to the smudgy white lines on the road designating the carpool lane. “Who was in charge of this project?!”

You finally arrived at your destination at 2:30 pm. The Royal Bank of Canada. 

Keep in mind, no one could use their cell phones across the Canadian border without serious roaming charges. Maria got rid of her phone months ago, and thanks to a mishap, your  phone is also out of commission so the adjustment wasn’t difficult for you. Still, you did get a glimpse of what life use to be like way back before everyone had a GPS on their phones. 

You had Google Map directions, but had failed to print an actual map. You pulled over to consult the directions (right in front of where you were supposed to be, you would later discover). However at the time you all determined that you needed to turn around and try again.

Finally, you realized your mistake and were parking the car. Ah Canada, the magical land where a (Canadian) dollar gets you 45 minuted in a downtown parking meter as opposed to 5 minutes, like in San Francisco.

You felt like sharing this epiphany with the bank associate who was helping Rory and Lorelei and Maria sort out their inheritance business.

“Wow. I love Canada, a dollar just got me 45 minutes in the parking meter!”

The associate gave you a strange look. “You know how much parking costs in the garage across the street?” she prompted you.

“No, how much?”

“$0.”

Okay so it wasn’t the best deal, but compared to what you were used to, this was big news and you were proud.

Once the official business was over and done with, you all got back in the car on the way to your hotel in White Rock. On the way, you were able to enjoy such gems as:

Rory breaks the silence by asking everyone, “Do you think Figgy compares himself to other cats?” (Figaro is Rory’s cat)

“….what?”

“You know like, does he walk around the neighborhood feeling superior because he’s a rich cat. He has a big house and lots of food and his own apartment.”

and later…

“You know what I miss?” Rory asks “whitewater rafting.”

“Yeah!” agrees Lorelei

“You’ve never been whitewater rafting.”

“No, but I’ve seen whitewater rafting!”

And the trip continued like this until you arrived at your hotel room. A 2 bedroom suite with a semi-ocean view. The only noteworthy thing about this is that the bathroom had heated floors which was awesome. 

The dinner you had was amazing, and the breakfast the following morning was also delicious. Organic food doesn’t seem to be hard to find and you were very thankful for that. After your recent diagnosis with lactose intolerance you have been cleaning up your diet significantly.

You are very thankful to Lorelei for funding the trip and purchasing your delicious meals, in addition to inviting you in the first place. You are no stranger to crashing family vacations but you are still thankful nonetheless. It was great.

You will admit, you slept most of the ride home, but sometimes it’s nice just going along for the ride. 

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