50 Shades of Gay

You lived in San Francisco and you’ll try anything twice. This alone makes for an interesting cacophony of experiences, including but not limited to: simply going to the Folsom Street Fair, hanging out in a penthouse hotel room drinking a bottle of 2000 Cristal, smoking a joint with Andre Nickatina backstage and so on.

Well, this is the story of the time you went to a party and accidentally were an extra in a porn.

Your coworker was the one got you into this situation in the first place (that and your decision-making skills, of course). Just to be clear, you worked at a training company, computer application training. That’s right, Excel, PowerPoint, Word etc. So when you guys hired a new Excel trainer, you didn’t think a whole lot of it at first.Turns out, she also worked at Kink.com (the Armory, for those in the “know”) giving tours twice a week.

That’s cool. I mean, you’ve passed by the Armory countless times on your way to the Mission. You knew it was a porn studio and to be honest you’re not at all into the BDSM scene so your initial interest was low. However, you had an opportunity to check it out and as always Maria was right along with you.

The tour was really fun but nothing too intense. You didn’t actually see any porn stars or scenes being shot. Just film sets and props and scenery. This was nothing new to you. Your brief stint as a production assistant in college has made you somewhat numb to movie sets. You’ve actually seen much worse on the set of True Blood. Aside from the barrels of lube and the room full of antique floggers, it was nothing to write home about. 

Anyway, one of the sets you went by was the set for Ultimate Surrender. This is where girls wrestle each other…naked and at the end, the losing team gets fucked with strap-ons. That actually sounded pretty cool to you. Naturally, the first opportunity you and Maria had to go to a live showing, you took it.

It wasn’t that cool. It was actually really awkward and you found yourself questioning your life choices. First of all, there were lots of dudes and the women were not that attractive. In fact, I’m pretty sure one of them had scoliosis.

At this point, you wanted to ignore all of your emails inviting you to armory events, until your coworker approached you one Thursday and asked if you were going to “the party” the following night.

“Yeah, I got the email but I didn’t read it. Are you going?”

“Yeah, it’s actually a film shoot and it’s girls only.”

She had my attention. You asked for more details.

“The theme is cocktail attire.”

You looked at her with a blank stare.

“You know like, cocktail dresses and lingerie. It’s black and white, and like I said it’s girls only. Oh and there will be free champagne and food.”

Essentially, she had just described your idea of heaven. As soon as you got back to your desk, you emailed Maria about this magical party of women, lingerie, champagne and maybe an incidental camera or two. You didn’t ask for too many details in regards to the “film shoot” portion of this, and in retrospect, perhaps you should have. 

It wasn’t until you were standing in line to sign two waivers and get your photo taken with your drivers’ license that you really started to worry. You kept your cool right up until you saw the cart full of dildos. However, it was too late. You were inside eating the catered food and just taking in the whole experience. The experience of Justine’s birthday party.

It was a blur. Mostly because you were in complete shock the entire time. However, you do recall the following conversation you and Maria shared the following morning:

M: I think it would be fun to start with the things I do not remember.  Katie, you told me I got flogged by a porn star…what was her name?

K: Sahara Rain. She was wearing a black corset and blue panties. She had tattoos

M: Was she wearing a hat?

K: No
M: She wasn’t wearing a hat?  A black hat?  Are you sure?
K: I’m sure.
M: Who was wearing the hat? Hmm… oh!  Who was the woman flogging me as hard as she could and couldn’t do it hard enough?
K: That was me…
M: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  Great………………*holds ice pack against head* Oh my god!  There was analbino prostitute!!!  I looked right into her eyes and thought they were contacts. She reminded me of something you would see on the 5th element.
K: Yeah she was friends with the tranny, I think.
M: I flogged the tranny last night, too!  Oh my god,  and then there was that mega tall chick who beat the hell out of that porn star… and she was telling me she would have done worse to me……..I got nervous………Aaahhhh…. I  just remembered the episode in the toilet. I don’t want to talk about what happened in there.
K: I just know I was doing pullups on the bars above the stalls while you were pooping.
M: Hmm… I flogged a lot of people!
K: Yes you did.
M: There was Kimi, and some other chick. Both of them. I remember Bobby got led off stage because she bled through her underpants.
K: Yeah I found out from someone that they’re not allowed to show blood on camera.
M: I remember….Stacy getting her ass beat the whole way, with a studded paddle for stepping on some girls foot with her high heel. 
K: Yeah, the partner of the girl she stepped on decided that would be appropriate retribution. Everyone agreed.
M: OH! And I clamped the porn star’s nipple and I forgot to pull the string and then I apologized to her. Also when we were smoking outside I asked her what kind of agent she had. She has a porn agent.
K: So whatdon’t you remember?
M: I don’t know.  I don’t remember.
K: You remember making out with the girl in the pink hair?
M: I remember the huge dildo on the stick that we were sword fighting with. OH! and that HUGE dyke with a strap on who, uhhh….she was not hot. She was a very big girl.
K: There was also food and cake.
M: Ugh, I was drinking everybody else’s champagne. Ugh, I hate when I do that. If I start doing that, it’s time for me to leave. *readjusts her ice pack on her forehead*
K: Remember that dog? That couldn’t put its tongue in its mouth?
M: I remember not being interested in it. Who was holding it?
K: The Brazillian girl
M: Where did she get it?
K: She found it. It belonged to Mistress.
M: I remember telling Bobby that I wanted to own one…. not her, but her corset–well, her too. Oh, and I said “happy birthday” to Justine into the electrocution box.
K: I remember when we were sitting down when Justine was getting electrocuted while she was going down on Mistress, I was sitting on your lap…
M: She had great single leg balance with that electrocution thing on her ankle…
K: The mercury switch…
M: Oh my god and they were zapping and tazing and zapping and…
K: Cattle prods on her feet and on her clit.
M: Oh my god! There was a foot dildo!
K: Oh yeah! I was like why does that exist?
M: Bobby was using it on Justine.
K: Yeah, she was putting it in her mouth. While we were watching Justine get electrocuted I was sitting on your lap and you kept putting your hands up my dress.
M: It was warm!
K: I put my face in [coworkers] boobs a lot. 
M: Yeah. Lucky.
K: It was a great birthday party.
M: Why is my toe bloody?
K: I don’t know, you were wearing flip flops last night and biking.
M: I must have shanked myself.
K: Well, we can check “be an extra in a porno” off our bucket lists

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